by moz

lastword

There are few more precious things in this world than getting in the last word. Indeed, it is such a rarity that if it ever occurs to you, you will no doubt relish the retelling of the event until the day that you die - Much to the distress of any children or grandchildren that you may have accumulated along the way.

Of course, some people are blessed with this gift from the very position they occupy – Magistrates for instance… or taxmen… or my wife. But for the purposes of this article, we shall ignore them. Especially my wife.

The principle that the “last word” does not actually exist in any real sense has arisen many times in philosophical arguments over the centuries. The debate still rages today somewhat proving the frustration of the theorem. This is the very nature of the universe that we occupy.

The last word can take many forms. Words themselves such as “I win”, “I told you so” and “Suck shit loser” are all examples. But physical acts such as owning something better than your peers serves just as well. Nothing could demonstrate this phenomenon more clearly than the very thing that we know and love – Computers.

Examine if you will the video card market and see if you find this familiar…

You’ve saved for months, done all the research and you are ready to take the big step – To buy the best damn video card on the planet. The fateful day comes and you have happily parted with your last kidney and $1000 and you hold the box in your hand. Nirvana. A wild, erratic drive home ensues, with you attempting to steer the car, change gears and open the packaging. You run down 3 old ladies in the process, but you know they’ll get better. Arriving home, you bolt into your room. Your PC lays before you dismantled, ready to receive its new lease of life. With sweaty, trembling hands you install the answer to all your gaming prayers. You boot your PC amidst the smell of virgin silicone and stale coca cola. The first thing you do with your card is not benchmark, but surf to an online vendor to check the prices to see if you got ripped off. And there it is – An impossibility. A glitch in the Matrix. The spoon that doesn’t exist.

A card that is not only cheaper, but newer, shinier, larger and faster.

To top it off, your best mate (and online arch-nemesis) calls you as you stare slack jawed at the screen. He’s ringing to brag about the vid card he just bought. It’s the one you are looking at. The only thing that stops you from jumping out of the bedroom window is the knowledge that he will receive a similar phone call from his mate in 5 minutes. That and the fact your bedroom is on the ground floor.

The scenario could be played out for any component, for the rules do not differ. The last word is a physical impossibility. The best PC does not exist. You can never win.

If we know this to be true, then why do we continue to test it? Is it because we foolishly believe that one day we really will have the best that money can buy and no one can do any better? Or is it simply the satisfaction of knowing for that at least 5 minutes, you are the champion of the world?

Me, I’ll go with the latter. I can make 5 minutes last a lifetime.

Suck shit losers!

Oops, there's the phone.